Subject:  The Pirate Queen Sails Again!
Posted by Sandy Claws
Posted On: 3/18/01 8:27 PM

Apologies to Her Most Piraticalness, SeaSpotRun, but I've been inspired to take up the adventures of the Wet Dream and her crew of lusty pirate lasses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cool evening breeze blew from the port quarter, pushing the Wet Dream steadily along her south by southwest course. It ruffled the gleaming auburn hair of the officer on watch.

Newly promoted 1st Lieutenant Sandy distractedly brushed her long, silken locks back from her face and blew her bangs from her forehead. She had a bad feeling about this mission. Oh sure, it sounded nice! A quick run to Kingston, new orders from Captain.... no, she corrected herself, from Commodore Pellew, a dash out to keep tabs on HMS Renown for a few days, and then two weeks of R & R in Jamaica. What could be better?

Almost anything, she thought, with a quick glance towards the captain’s cabin. Despite her misgivings she was reluctant to broach the subject with Captain SeaSpot. Her Piraticalness was much distracted by a recent acquisition; to whit, one tall, elegant and dark-haired French colonel picked up from the last privateer they had encountered.

“A quiet night.” a voice said beside her.

“Gah!!!!!” Sandy screeched, nearly jumping out of her skin. She turned and faced her new companion. Her eyes narrowed.

“What are you doing up here already, Wannabe? My watch doesn’t end for nearly an hour.”

“I know, but I couldn’t sleep. I keep thinking about how we’ll soon encounter Sir Edward again.” she said, a broad grin creasing her face.

“Belay that, Wannabe. For God’s sake, you’ve seen a man before!”

“Not like that one!” Wannabe said, smirking slightly. “Not for six bloody months I haven’t.” She discreetly wiped drool from her chin.

Sandy grinned in reply. “I hear that, girlfriend. I hear that!”

For it was true. For nigh on six months the Wet Dream had been to-ing and fro-ing across the Atlantic, with very little to show for her efforts. The ships stores were hopelessly depleted (down to the last bottle of Chateau Petrus - Oh the horror!) and morale had sunk so low that ocean bottom feeders were looking down on the crew.

Noises came from belowdecks as the next watch awoke and made their way on deck. Sandy and Wannabe were joined by Ladylove, the ship’s master, and Bosun Chick. Ladylove ran a practiced seawoman’s eye over the water and spared a glance for the trim of the sails.

“Quiet” she said, repeating Wannabe’s sentiment of just moments before.

“But not for long, I think.” Sandy replied

“What makes you say that?” asked Chick, watching her friend worriedly.

Sandy shook her head. “Just a feeling. But it won’t go away.” She took one last glance at the lighted windows of the captain’s cabin. There was no hope for it; she would have to interrupt the Pirate Queen. She took a deep breath, her impressive artillery straining the laces of her bodice, before turning to go.

“You have the watch, Wannabe.”

A short time later Sandy stood before the captain’s door, her hand raised. She was hesitant to knock, however. She could hear the low voices of Captain SeaSpot and her guest, and she was wary of interrupting for what may well be a trifle.

“Hey Sandy! What are you up to down here?” ship’s cook TracyL boomed out.

Sandy cringed as the words reverberated down the short corridor. With a slashing movement across her throat she hushed Tracy, then turned to listen again at the door. Nothing.

“I fancy the captain is enjoying her frog’s legs.” Tracy said, smirking. “But then again, who wouldn’t?”

“Don’t you have something better to do, Trace?” Sandy hissed. “Isn’t there some British naval lieutenant you need to fantasize about? Or maybe a new recipe to test out?” She got the words out just as the door swung upon.

Both Tracy and Sandy jumped. Tracy threw a quick salute at the captain before racing back to her kitchen.

“Traitor!” Sandy whispered after her, and was rewarded with a hasty grin thrown over her friend’s shoulder.

Captain SeaSpot had stayed quiet during this by-play, but she finally spoke. “Is there something I can do for you, lieutenant?” she asked, her voice bordering on a growl.

Sandy swallowed and faced the captain. Her blonde hair was disordered and her clothes slightly disheveled, but she still had a nearly undeniable aura of command.

“Pardon the disturbance, Your Piraticalness. But if I might have a word with you...” She looked past Captain SeaSpot to where the Frog colonel lounged on the bunk. “In private.”

*************
Part Two

“All right, lieutenant. Just what is this all about?” the captain asked, casting a longing glance back at the lighted, inviting windows of her cabin. “I know you wouldn’t have interrupted my... ahem, conference with Colonel DeVergesse for just anything. So what gives?”

“Captain, are you sure this mission is a good idea? There were an awful lot of unsettling rumours circulating in Portsmouth before we left. Seems conditions on board HMS Renown are a hot topic of discussion. And what are we doing, anyway? Spying for Commodore Pellew? What kind of mission is that for the finest pirate ship afloat?”

“You have misgivings?” she asked lowering her voice. “Why the bloody hell didn’t you mention this earlier?? We could have turned back, but now...” She ran a hand through her hair and released it to let the long blonde tresses cascade down her back. She sighed.

“I expect to sight Jamaica tomorrow by midday, and we’ll make Kingston Bay by nightfall. Its a little late to be expressing misgivings now, lieutenant.”

“My apologies, Your Piraticalness, but until this moment I couldn’t put what I was feeling into words. A vague disquiet, that’s all it was.”

Captain SeaSpot stared intently at her second-in-command for a moment. “Well, Sandy, truth be told I’ve been uneasy since I first accepted this commission from Sir Edward. I mean, wandering about the oceans of the world, unofficially spying on British ships? We should be capturing those prizes, I told myself!” She sighed again. “But I trust Pellew; he wouldn’t ask us to do this if he didn’t really need us. Besides, I would have thought you’d welcome an opportunity to chase after Renown. Isn’t a certain young lieutenant with admirable ass-ets on board?”

Sandy blushed bright red, a becoming shade set against her auburn hair. “What if he is?” she asked. “What would the major think of that?”

SeaSpot laughed. “What would he think of my spending so much time with that Froggy gent? Sandy, my girl, the major is in India. The other side of the world, for pity’s sake! What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” She directed her gaze out over the water. “Besides, its our duty as the scurrilous pirates we are to take as many British sailors as we can.”

Sandy was about to reply to that when a cry erupted from the lookout.

“A sail!!!” came the shout. “Sail to loo’ward!!!”

SeaSpot ran to the quarterdeck rail and shouted up at Lindsaygirl. “Can you make her out?”

“No Captain. But by the trim she’s Royal Navy.”

A cheer went up from the pirate lasses gathered in the ship’s waist, and even the Pirate Queen was grinning. She turned to her number one.

“Looks like our luck is changing, Sandy. We may know our purpose here sooner than we thought.”

“Captain!!!!!” Lindsaygirl shouted. “Its the Indefatigable! And she’s flying a commodore’s pennant!!!”

*********
Part Three

“So you see now why I need your ship and your crew, Captain SeaSpot. I can hardly send one of His Majesty’s ships off on a mission like this.”

Captain SeaSpot nodded curtly, but a grimace of uncertainty creased her brow. “I understand completely, but...”

“But what?”

She stood and began pacing the tight confines of the day cabin. “But really, Sir Edward! Spying on the crew, kidnapping, doing heaven’s only knows what, all in an attempt to discover if some potty rumours of mutiny are true? Its unworthy of you; even worse, its unworthy of ME!”

Pellew looked hurt for a moment. “So, its Sir Edward now, is it? I can remember a time when you were not so formal.”

SeaSpot darted her eyes in the direction of the door to her sleeping quarters, then quickly brought them back to the commodore’s face. “Times change, Ned. I couldn’t sit quietly, always waiting for you to sail into my life. That’s not who I am.”

“No, I suppose its not.” He stood, reached out and gently clasped her arm to still her movement. “But I will always be there, if you need me.”

Captain SeaSpot caught her breath; the cabin suddenly seemed to shrink about the pair of them. Pellew’s onyx eyes bored into hers, sending delicious shivers up her back. With one last rueful glance at the door she said “Oh, why the hell not! For old times sake.” before pulling his lips down to meet hers.

On deck the scene was vastly different. Mister Bracegirdle and Sandy, the two first lieutenants, were eyeing each other warily, although Bracie couldn’t quite keep his eyes from straying to the low cut necklines of Sandy and some of the other pitatesses. Sandy struggled to keep a smirk suppressed; he was obviously impressed by what he saw of the Wet Dream’s crew.

“Would you like to see something of the ship, Mister Bracegirdle?” she asked, pulling his attention away from contemplating the charms of Shell-bell, the most recent addition to the crew.

“Heh? Oh.” he said, looking almost crestfallen. “Of course. Sounds like a delightful idea.”

“Papergrl!” Sandy called out to one of the crew. Papergrl scampered up to the quarterdeck, tripping on the topmost step. She recovered herself and saluted briskly.

“Conduct Mr. Bracegirdle on a tour of the ship. A thorough one.”

“But...” Papergrl began before the look on the lieutenants face stopped her.

“Yes ma’am.” she said, and gestured toward the ladder. “Mr. Bracegirdle, if you would?”

He moved that way, Papergrl dejectedly following him.

“I don’t think she appreciates this duty, Sandy.” Wannabe said as she came up beside her.

Sandy grinned. “Never fear, she’ll get a double margarita ration for this.”

Wannabe stood quietly, but the rhythmic tap of her fingers against her leg betrayed her agitation. She kept glancing towards the captain’s cabin, her thoughts writ plain on her face. She had all but fallen at his feet when Commodore Pellew had come aboard; in fact Papergrl had very nearly stumbled over her tongue where it was scraping the deck. Now he was a few measly steps away, but it may as well have been 10,000 miles.

“You know the first rule of piracy, Wannabe. Captain gets first dibs.”

Wannabe smiled at that. “I know, I know. But a girl can dream, can’t she?”

At that moment the door to the captain’s quarters swung open and Pellew emerged, followed by Captain SeaSpot, hastily putting her clothes back in some semblance of order.

“I’ll leave this mission in your capable hands, Captain.” he said as he crossed the deck. “I know His Majesty’s Navy will be well served by your efforts, and those of your crew.”

SeaSpot threw a jaunty salute before turning to her number one. “All hands, Sandy. Prepare to wear ship.”

Sandy grinned. “All hands wear ship!!!” she shouted and the Wet Dream slowly came about on her new course.

Papergrl and Bracegirdle had emerged from the lower deck when they heard the shout and he moved to leave with the commodore. Pellew swung himself onto the tumble-home ladder. Wannabe stood at the entry port, watching him but unable to say a word. He was aware of her regard, and just before he descended he reached out with one hand and brushed a wayward strand of her hair back behind her ear. She stood for a brief moment before fainting dead away, collapsing into the arms of Lindsaygirl.

“Well Captain?” Sandy asked eagerly. “What are our orders?”

SeaSpot raised her voice to be heard by every hand on deck (except Wannabe, who was out like a light). “We make for the Renown” she said. “And the Devil take the hindmost!”


*******
Part Four

Breakfast in the wardroom the next morning was full of bustle and good cheer. Crew members wandered in and out, exchanging greetings and joyful grins. Knowing that they had a definite mission, as well as the opportunity to take on a ship of the line, had lifted morale to its highest point. Captain SeaSpot had added to the good feelings by ordering that the last of the bacon, eggs and good bread be broken out for breakfast. Tracy and the cook's mates were back and forth all morning, delivering heaping platters of food to the hungry girls.

By the time the furor died down only Sandy, Chick, Ladylove and Lindsaygirl were left. They were silent as they waited for the other officers to join the regular morning meeting.

Surgeon’s Mate M’man Jamie came in. “Sorry gang, but Wannabe is still out like a bad fashion.” she reported. “I hope she recovers in time for an assault on the Renown.” she concluded and took her seat near the foot of the table.

Sandy nodded to acknowledge the report, lifting a steaming cup of Earl Grey to her lips. They were waiting only for Tracy to join them after cleaning up from breakfast. Although not officially an officer she was Sandy’s closest friend among the crew, and as such served as an invaluable sounding board.

Tracy came running in to the wardroom, drying her hands on the hem of her apron. “Sorry.” she gasped out as she took a seat. “The kitchen was a mess.”

Sandy set her mug of tea down with a thump. “All right. You all know what this morning’s meeting is about. There are parts of our new orders that I can’t divulge, but I can tell you all that the captain wants you to know.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “We’re trying to catch HMS Renown before she makes it to Hispanola. Once there it’ll be too late to discover the information we’re after.”

“And that is....?” asked TheChick.

“Mutiny, my girl.” Sandy said. “Mutiny.”

The gathered officers caught their breath in a collective gasp. The word itself was shocking enough, but the implication was even more so. A ship in His Majesty’s navy did not operate the way the Wet Dream did. A Royal Navy captain was God on board; he commanded everything and had the power of life and death over everyone. To even think about mutiny was a dreadful, dangerous thing. To actually act on it...

“But why?” Jamie asked, her nose scrunching slightly as she frowned. “Why would they take such a risk?” She hastily glanced about the cabin. “Assuming the rumours are true, of course.”

“Who’s the captain?” Lindsaygirl asked, cutting to the heart of the problem.

“Sawyer.” Sandy responded. The women all nodded. They knew his reputation; he had been a hero and was a decorated veteran of over thirty years service. Getting on board his ship past him would not be easy.

“There were rumours flying thick and fast in Portsmouth last time we were there.” Sandy continued. “They say that Sawyer is losing his faculties; some have even gone so far as to say he’s completely off his chump. Part of our mission is to find out just how true those rumours are. Which unfortunately”, she took a deep breath and met the eyes of all her companions, “Means bringing him here.”

The room erupted in noise and fury. What? An insane Royal Navy captain on board the Wet Dream? It was inconceivable! What could Commodore Pellew be thinking, asking them to do such a thing!!

“SILENCE!!!!” Sandy roared. Her fist crashed down on the table, making the flatware jump. Once their voices settled down she continued. “I know this isn’t what we had in mind for this cruise, but we don’t have much choice. Her Piraticalness has agreed to this, and we are honour-bound to follow her lead. Anyone who’d rather not be involved can be locked in the hold for the duration.” Her emerald eyes glinted with anger as she looked about the room. No one said another word.

“Very good.” She stood up and adjusted the red silk sash that was tied about her waist. “Now is the time for questions, if you have them.”

“When can we expect to sight the Renown?” Jamie asked.

Sandy glanced at Ladylove, and the petite blonde shrugged. “Could be as early as tonight, might not be for another week. Too tough to call, although we are making excellent speed.”

“Anything else?” Sandy asked. They all shook their heads in negation. “All right, then. Prepare your divisions for the boarding party.” She cast one last glance around the room. “Dismissed.”

They all shuffled out of the wardroom, all but Tracy. She met her friend's eyes with a glance that was part worry and part exultation.

“Is this for real, Sandy? I mean, it sounds almost too good to be true! Carte blanch to have at the men of the Renown?”

Sandy grinned wolfishly. “It is intriguing, isn’t it? I just hope those boys can handle us.”


*******
Subject: Now Back to the Bloody Indy!
Posted by SeaSpotRun
Posted On: 3/22/01

In which DeVergesse spills the beans and takes the plunge
*********************************************************
A tentative knock sounded on Captain Pellew's door, disturbing him from a reverie. He pulled his silk paisley dressing gown (you know the one) tighter around his broad shoulders, and removing a thoughtful pencil from his mouth, sighed and barked,

"Come!"

"MAIS NON!!! Not ENCORE!!! I am not zee automaton!" An unfamiliar Froggy voice croaked hoarsely in the hall.

<SMACK!> A muffled thud and simultaneous yelp filtered through the door, followed by the all-too-familiar voice of Mr. Oldroyd.

"Shuddap-ay-Voo, ya' Frog. No Talkie until Luh Captain askeyz voos un Question-ay, voo savvy?"

The door opened and Lt. Bracegirdle entered, ducking his head slightly as he saluted his commanding officer.

"I'm terribly sorry to disturb you, Captain Pellew, but Mr. Oldroyd here has found a stowaway in the cable tier. Oldroyd, you may bring the man in now."

"Aye!"

A tall, exhausted-looking Frenchman with dark curly hair, matted with sweat, was thrust into the room at the point of Oldroyd's pistol.

Captain Pellew looked him up, then down, then down again, then up. My, but he was a sturdy fellow, though his Little French Maid's costume was sadly the worse for wear.

Still, the fellow made a gainful effort to hold himself erect in the presence of a British Admiral.

"Well, sir? What have you got to say for yourself?"

The Frenchman rolled his eyes and shrugged in that characteristic Gallic fashion. He licked his lips as if searching for the right words and began to wave an eloquent feather duster at Pellew.

Pellew wondered how long the man had been aboard his ship. He did not have time for this.

"Well? Speak up? What manner of man are you to come on board my ship dressed in such a fashion?"

In answer, the Frenchman threw himself at Pellew's feet, revealing a tanned expanse of lean, muscular backside encased in a leopard-print thong. Grasping Pellew's ankles, he cried out,

"Please, Monsieur! I have been prisonnaire en board the "Wet Dream" for three months time, tortured by zee pirates who are as terrible as they are beautiful. I demand to be taken to an Eeenglish prison zo I can get zom rest!"

The man began to sob uncontrollably, wiping his streaming eyes and blowing his blunt Gallic nose on his lacey white apron. Pellew stifled a superior smirk, his full lips compressing into a severe line to hide the tell-tale twitch of surpressed amusement. So he had escaped the Wet Dream, had he? Perhaps there was more to this Frenchman than met the eye.

"Get up off the floor and give me your name, Sir! I can assure you that Captain SeaSpot is a very good friend of mine. Why shouldn't I just set course to intercept her ship and return you to her tender loving care?"

"NON!" the man screamed, "ZUT ALORS! Anything but zat!! Encoute! I am Colonel Etienne DeVergesse of the Army of the Republique and I am—was--AM a very important man!" He stopped, breathing hard as he considered his outburst. His bronzed, muscular chest rose and fell hypnotically except, of course, the spectacle was quite wasted on Captain Pellew, Oldroyd, and Bracegirdle who were not that sort of guys.

"Now, now, Colonel DeVergesse. Many men would be thrilled to be in your position on board the Wet Dream, although perhaps not in your current state of dishabille....excuse me," he broke off, returning his hard gaze to his own men. "Lieutenant, you may return Mr. Oldroyd to his duties. I think I can debrief the Colonel all by myself.”

“NON!” the Colonel gasped. “Not here, too! Enfin, I used to wear le boxers. Plain white ones, or the kind with the discreet blue check.”

“Relax, Colonel DeVergesse,” Pellew continued smoothly, “It is simply a figure of speech.” He called out one last instruction to the departing Bracegirdle. “Have some coffee sent up by my steward."

When his men left, Pellew rummaged through one of his chests and found an old dressing gown. He tossed it at the Frenchman, who slid into it gratefully.

"So you want to go to prison."

"Oui. Prison." The French Colonel's silvery-blue eyes darted nervously around the cabin, as if searching for spies. "We are quite alone?"

Pellew nodded.

"Ah, then I must tell you...the Captain and crew of the Wet Dream are...are...insa-, insah-, insay-"

"Insane?"

"Insatiable. Oui. Eet ees true. Well, not all of zem. Three, well, two at least. But Captain Pelloo, I was," his voice dropped to a hoarse whisper as he leaned forward to rasp in Pellew's ear, "Captain SeaSpot's personal Cabin Boy for four months time."

Captain Pellew's eyebrows shot up. This was quite a step up for Sea Spot, who had kept Mr. Oldroyd and Helm Boy in that position in the past. Both, however, had been returned none the worse for wear, with big, foolish grins on their faces. But, of course, a Frenchman will always be a Frenchman.....

“Ah, so is that why you are dressed in this curious fashion?”

“Eet was horrible. She made me wear thees leetle costume, you know, to--, to--, to…,”

“OUT WITH IT, MAN!” the Captain bellowed.

“…to scoop up after her Whippets! Oh, Captain Pellew, eet was horrible. Me, a French Intelligence officer! Scooping the poopdeck! And Captain…”

Pellew could tell the poor fellow was feeling it rather keenly. Was he wrong to entrust a sensitive mission to SeaSpot’s band of renegade pirate lasses?

“She had five, no! Six. Zat is beaucoup poop!”

“Perhaps you had better begin at the beginning.”

“Bien sur. My country had entrusted me with a mission, you see? I was to allow myself to be captured by the Wet Dream, and once aboard, I was to seduce Captain Sea Spot into betraying confidences about her friends in the British Royal Navy.”

“Go on.”

“I had planned to employ my usual talents for seduction, blackmail, extortion, and thinly-veiled threats to achieve my goals, then escape with my information back to France. It was a very popular mission. I had to beat out many of my colleagues to get the assignment!”

“I’ll bet.”

“I never imagined, Captain, that some members of the crew were actually closet….” He put his face even closer to Pellew’s. “Are you quite sure we are alone?”

“Quite sure, Colonel DeVergesse. Closet what?” Pellew’s brow knit, forming a deep vertical crease above the bridge of his nose.

“FRANCOPHILES!” It came out as a hiss. “Oh! It was horrible! As soon as they realized I was aboard, they determined to have their way with me!” The Frenchman’s words were tumbling out now in a near-incoherent stream of panicked speech. “I tried to threaten their virtue, but before I could get out the words, they were ripping my clothes off, telling me to ‘Fish or Cut Bait’!”

“Really?”

“My every attempt at vile seduction met with no resistance at all! I threatened Sea Spot with zee Guillotine, but she simply laughed and patted my cheek and said, ‘whatta way to go…’. Then she offered me another plate of oysters and a bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans. In fact, zat was all I got to eat that first week on board the Wet Dream.”

“Cruel and unusual!”

“This one pirate, Sallyb, she was a strange one. You want to know what happened to my beautiful French uniform? Dress, undress, dress, undress, over and over and over again. It fell apart at the seams! I think she has a uniform thing, that one! She used to snap my breeches and screech ‘HIIIIIIDEEEYYY-HO!’”

“I’ve heard about her. A most dangerous piratess.”

“Five times, I tried to escape from Captain SeaSpot’s Cabin. And each time, it only got me chained more securely to her radiator. Once I nearly made it, but then I was captured by two other pirates, tall, buxom gals with the most impressive, ah…..artillery! They chased me all around the ship, screaming, ‘Hey! You! Stone Fox of El Ferrol! We have dispatches! Our undies are FULL of dispatches! Yoo hoo, Frenchie, don’t you want to search us?”

“That sounds like First Mate Sandyclaws and the Latrine Mistress, JayneG.”

“Yes, those are the ones. It was humiliation! The Latrine Mistress kept saying something about being willing to lick the head clean just to see me in a role other than Colonel DeVergesse. I don’t know WHAT she was talking about, but she was mighty, mighty low.” The man was practically sobbing. “It was professional disgrace! Me, the dastardly villain Colonel DeVergesse…pursued by a mob of underwear-waving thirty-something women like I was Chris Isaak or something!”

“That does seem a bit hard.”

“You don’t know the half of it, Captain! I got no sleep! NONE! Once, when Captain SeaSpot took the watch, I thought I would have a few moments to myself, since I had finished all my chores and had gotten the garlic butter off the hammock…”

“What?” Captain Pellew, irrationally, felt a tug of jealously.

“She liked to watch me eat Escargot in bed. But she wouldn’t ever give me any crackers…” he trailed off in an eloquent Gallic wail of frustration. “Not even a baguette. She said SHE didn’t need one.”

“So what happened next.”

“I had just settled down to sleep when zis crazy redheaded Pirate called Ginger crept in. She DEMANDED to sacrifice her pride and self-respect on the spot!”

“And you obliged?”

“Four times! I AM French, after all. And besides, she said she wanted to know if what zey always said about Frenchmen was true.”

“And what was that.”

DeVergesse looked thoughtful. “Never mind. Eeet ees not important.”

“So what now? Prison, sir?”

“Absoloutement!! Don’t you see, I could never face my colleagues back in France after zis. Word of my humiliation at the hands of zese desperate piratesses has spread all the way back to Paris!”

“Very well, Colonel, I shall send you to Gibraltar in irons if that is what you would like.”

“The fur-lined kind?”

“What?”

“Oh, nothing.”

Captain Pellew stood up and began to pace the room. He was quite pleased by most of what he had heard. Clearly, the crew of the Wet Dream had done service to His Majesty again by neutralizing one of the most dastardly French Intelligence agents in the field, turning a fine figure of a Froggy Colonel into this piteous, shivering, sleep-deprived wreck of a man.

A knock on the door signaled the arrival of his steward, bearing a tray of steaming coffee.

“Not for me,” said the French Colonel, yawning and stretching. ‘I can hardly wait to be thrown into the hold so that I can finally get some sleep.”

“You will do no such thing,” Pellew snapped irritably. “As an officer, you are entitled to your own quarters until and when we reach Gibralter. Then you shall be handed over to the authorities, of course, but for now you may consider yourself a guest on my ship so long as you behave yourself as an officer should.”

DeVergesse nodded enthusiastically, then yawned again. “Please, Captain Pellew, I would like to see my quarters now. I give you my word of honor that I shall stay completely out of your way.”

Captain Pellew escorted the Frenchman out onto the deck, for they were obliged to pass that way in order to reach the guest quarters.

“Ah, Colonel, I forgot to mention that we have a passenger on board the Indefatigable who I believe is an old friend.”

“Impossible,” yawned the Frenchman, “I know not one Englishman that I would count as a friend.”

“But I think you know a lady. Your Grace?”

An auburn-tressed beauty strolled briskly across the heaving deck in their direction. Under his tan, Captain Pellew could see that the Frenchman had blanched fishbelly white.

“I believe you have already had the honor of meeting her Grace, the Duchess of Wharfedale?”

“Ooooo, jest look at ‘im! Like a goose on a green?”

“No thank you, Madame,” stammered the Frenchman, who began backing towards the rail.

“Wait, Colonel!” The Duchess cried as he slung one leg over the rail.

“Go away!” The Frenchman shouted in a panic.

“But Colonel…I have dispatches!”

There was a loud splash as the Froggy gent leapt into the frothing surf and began to swim strongly away from the Indefatigable. The Duchess leaned out over the rail crying out, “Don’t you want to search me? Awww…come on back and search me! HEY! You! Froggy Gent! I SAID I had DISPATCHES!”

She turned to the Captain with a moue of disappointment. “Oh, poo!”

Well, the Captain thought to himself, I hope that Frog can swim. “Your Grace? Can I expect the pleasure of Your Grace’s company at my table tonight?”

She fluttered her lashes behind her fan. “Certainly, Captain, but only if I can bring Lynn, my maid. She lives in hope of sampling the pleasures of the Captain’s table, sir.”

Captain Pellew through back his handsome dark head and laughed. “Then I shall endeavor not to disappoint her.”

*******************************
Part Five

In which the crew falls prey to the tropical sun, the Renown is sighted, and Kiddo makes a splash.


Two uneventful days passed by in which the crew did nothing but holystone the deck and polish the guns. Morale was starting to sink again. Captain SeaSpot was in a thoroughly vile mood, because at some point during her conference with Commodore Pellew Colonel DeVergesse had seized the opportunity and made good his escape.

“I don’t care so much about losing him.” she confided to her first officer. “But how am I ever going to replace the French maid’s you-nee-form in wartime?”

The third day dawned clear and hot, oppressively so. The merciless tropical sun beat down, and with the ship’s stores depleted the only sunscreen available was SPF 4. Crew members hid away belowdecks as much as possible, only coming out when needed.

The sun was at its zenith when the first dogwatch began. First Mate Sandy relieved Lindsaygirl and sent her below for rest and some water. Some of the gals from more Northern climates were having difficulty with the heat, so Captain SeaSpot had ordered extra care be taken. All watches had been reduced to two hours to limit everyone’s exposure to the cruel sun.

Sandy stood in the sun on the quarterdeck, her hands lightly clasping the rail. The sun lit fire in her hair and reflected off the lenses of her RayBan sunglasses. Papergrl and young Sara (known affectionately as Kiddo) were on deck for some fresh air. The sighed as they watched Sandy.

“I wish I could have red hair like that.” Kiddo said, with a gesture toward her own shining brown locks.

Papergrl nodded in agreement. “But I have to wonder, why does she still serve with Her Piraticalness? She could have her own ship and crew, then we would have two bands of pirate lasses terrorizing the oceans. Why does she stay here?”

Kiddo shrugged. “Who knows?” She sighed again. “I sure hope I’m chosen to be in the boarding party. It’ll be my first time!” she said with a grin.

“Aren’t you scared?” Papergrl asked. When Kiddo shook her head no Papergrl continued. “God, I was the first time I stormed a ship.” She grinned, somewhat lasciviously. “So many men, so little...” She cut her words off in time, remembering that Kiddo was young, and as yet unspoiled by being a part of the crew.

“Shouldn’t you two go below?” a voice above them asked.

Papergrl shaded her eyes and looked up. Sandy was at the quarterdeck rail looking down on them. She smiled and shook her head.

“You’re both looking a little pink. I just sent Sami below to get her out of the sun, and I think you ought to join her.”

Papergrl obediently rose, but Kiddo shook her head. “I want to stay on deck. There’s so much I need to learn.” Her eyes were pleading.

Despite her tough exterior, Sandy was known to all to be a softy when it came to the younger girls. She smiled and gestured for Kiddo to join her on the quarterdeck. “All right, you can stay. But at least wear a hat.” she said, and clapped a broad brimmed straw on Kiddo’s head as soon as she reached the quarterdeck.

“SAIL!!!” cried Shell-Bell from her lookout’s post in the forecastle. “Sail off the starboard bow!!!”

“Quick Kiddo! Run and fetch the Captain.” Sandy ordered before she dashed to join Shell-Bell. “Can you make out anything? she asked, unable to keep the excitement from her voice.

“No, nothing.” Shell-Bell said as she handed the spyglass over. “I can’t get a clear look, and we’re still a considerable distance away.”

Sandy pushed her sunglasses on top of her head, put the glass to her eye and stared intently at the horizon. There! She could just make out the form of another ship, her bow hard down as she ran before the wind. They appeared to be on an intercept course.

“Reef the mizzen topsail!” she shouted. No sense in coming up fast on a ship that they didn’t know. She heard the sounds as the crew scurried to carry out her order, but she continued to concentrate on the distant ship. Details were becoming clear. She was big, certainly. Much larger than the Wet Dream. She caught a flash of sunlight from the bow. A gilded figurehead, perhaps? And was that gold striping on her side? YES!!!

“Well, Sandy?” Captain SeaSpot asked.

“Its Royal Navy, certain sure Captain. And a ship of the line, judging by her size. And we all know there’s only one ship of the line that’s supposed to be on this course!”

The entire crew heard those words, and a great cheer went up. Hats were thrown in exuberance. Kiddo tossed hers with a bit too much emphasis, and a gust of wind caught it and blew it overboard. She blushed, but her crewmates just laughed with her.

Captain SeaSpot had moved to stand beside her first mate. “Phase one accomplished.” she said.

****
Part Six

In which SeaSpot has a dilemma, Wannabe returns to the land of the living, and a recon team takes shape. Ooo Rah!!!!

“Comments? Suggestions? Quips, sallies, anecdotes and the like?” Captain SeaSpot asked, her dark brown eyes meeting those of every officer gathered around the table. As was usual she worked the meeting as a round table discussion, but when it came down to the final plan, the decision was all hers.

Ladylove cleared her throat and all eyes turned to her. “Whatever we’re going to do, we had best decide fast.” she said. “We may have slowed our pace a bit, but we’ll still catch the Renown by nightfall at the rate we’re going.

“We need more time to come up with a plan of action.” Wannabe said, glancing around the table. She had finally snapped out of her stupor, although she occasionally lapsed into an idiotic grin, drooling slightly when she did. But her mental strength was still there, and the assembled piratesses all nodded in agreement.

Captain SeaSpot nodded emphatically. She looked at Ladylove. “Alter course.” she ordered. “Bring us about and on the same path as Renown.” Ladylove stood to carry out her orders. “But make sure we stay out of their reach.” the captain concluded.

“Aye, aye!” Ladylove saluted and departed.

“Now that that’s all taken care of, let’s get down to business.” She sat in the chair that Ladylove had vacated. “Its time for you to know the rest of our orders. I’m sure Sandy explained to you that we are investigating rumours of mutiny aboard Renown, and we’re to stop it from happening if the rumours are true.” She took a deep breath and ran a hand through her hair before going on. She looked at her first mate, but Sandy’s eyes were on the table.

“The problem as I see it is this. We have two choices; we stop the mutiny by capturing all the officers that might be involved, or we stop it by removing Captain Sawyer from the ship. Either way I think we might be in for some rough going.”

TheChick spoke up then. “It seems that capturing Sawyer might be the quickest and most expedient way of doing this.”

“True.” Lindsaygirl added. “But would it be nearly as much fun?” she asked, a broad smile on her face.

“Enough!” Captain SeaSpot exclaimed. “There’ll be plenty of time for that later, after our mission is accomplished.” She looked again at her first officer. “Sandy, you’ve been awfully quiet, and I think we can all agree that’s not like you.” The assembled women laughed and Sandy smiled. “What’s going on in that rapid-fire brain of yours?”

Sandy was thoughtful for a moment. “Why don’t we send a small party aboard tonight? A reconnaissance team. We could come up behind Renown when its full dark, and send a boat in.” As she warmed to the plan her words came faster. “Four of us should be enough. Five at most. We get aboard, scent the wind, and report back. Once we have additional facts we can better plan the final assault.”

The officers all exchanged glances, and they started nodding. It was a valid point. They desperately needed more information before they could decide on a course of action.

Captain SeaSpot took note of the mood of her women. “Very well then.” she said. She scanned the assembled group. “Sandy, you’ll be in command. I’ll leave the details to you.”

“As you wish, Your Piraticalness.” Sandy stood up and began issuing orders to have the team and necessary equipment assembled. “Jamie, I want you to join us in case we run into unexpected trouble.” She ticked off on her fingers as she named the other members of the team. “Papergrl, JayneG, and Kiddo. I think that’ll do nicely.”

****
Part Seven

In which the girls look stunning in black, the Renown falls prey to their wiles, and Sandy gets the butt end.


The night was clear and calm; the half-moon casting its glow across the water. It was nearly midnight when the jolly boat set out from the Wet Dream. They were nearly a mile dead astern of the Renown, who’s dark, hulking shape they could make out against the starlit sky.

Jamie sat at the tiller while the other girls rowed. Through the last minute efforts of SallyB and Mags there were all dressed in black and had their hair neatly pulled off their faces. Jamie had also donned a hat; what was visible of her blonde hair shimmered like silver in the wan moonlight.

The oars were wrapped in sailcloth to minimize the noise, even so they all knew the risk they were taking. Despite having initiated the plan, Sandy was a nervous wreck. She was banking on all the rumours being true enough that discipline on The Renown had relaxed, allowing five pirate lasses to sneak aboard undetected.

They were drawing abreast of the ship. The girls shipped their oars and Jamie steered them in. As they came close to her side Papergrl reached out with a boathook and caught one of the ropes that hung limply from the Renown’s side. The jolly boat nudged against her hull and Papergrl tied a neat half-hitch, securing their boat.

The pre-arranged signal was given, and without hesitation Kiddo began climbing the rope. This was the moment of decision; either routine on the Renown had collapsed or discipline was still enforced, in which case this party was doomed to failure before it began.

Kiddo had reached the top and swung herself over the rail and onto the upper gun deck. There were no shouts, no lanterns lit, no gunshots. Could it be? She leaned over the rail and waved a white handkerchief. All Clear!

The other girls looked expectantly at their officer. Sandy nodded and they began to swarm up the rope, still careful not to make any noise. When they were all in the ship’s waist they moved into the shadow of the quarterdeck.

“Right.” Sandy said in a soft voice that managed to be quieter than a whisper. “You know your assignments. We’ve only got two hours, so make them count.”

They moved out in various directions. Papergrl and Jayne took the biggest risk; they had to cross the entire deck to enter one of the forecastle companionways. They moved like shadows, blending in perfectly with their surroundings. Sandy smiled to herself. That Jayne! she thought. She’ll make a Ninja yet!

As the officer in charge Sandy had waited until all the girls were safely undercover before moving off herself. She ducked into the companionway behind her and descended the ladder down to the second gundeck. Luckily, all ships of the line had similar layouts, so it had not been necessary to make detailed plans to deal with locations on board the Renown. All the important areas were the same. She moved carefully forward, keeping to the center of the deck as best she could. The snoring of the sleeping crewmen drowned out any noise she may have made in her passage.

She descended another ladder and landed in the midshipman’s berth. She waited, breath held, to see if her arrival had disturbed any of the young men. The slept on peacefully, and she continued on her way.

Sandy was now on the lower gundeck, where the crew would ordinarily take their meals. Now it was empty except for the huge twenty-four pounders that stood sentry at the closed gunports. A rat scurried by, its squeaky voice distinctive even in this unfamiliar place. She was somewhat startled by it, but not nearly as much as by the sudden burst of light aft. She ducked into the shelter of a gun and crouched there, willing whoever it was with the lantern to turn aft or head up.

Voices sounded; low, masculine voices, but the words were indistinct. The light faded as the speakers moved away from her, and she had to restrain herself from an audible sigh of relief. She was about to venture out from between the two guns when she heard footsteps approaching from for’ard. She froze, waiting for them to pass.

Two more steps; three, and whoever it was stopped beside Sandy’s hiding place. He was facing the other side of the deck, unaware of her presence. No help for it; Sandy silently drew her pistol, stood, and with one hand clapped tight over his mouth drew the sailor back between the guns, pressing the pistol against his temple.

He struggled for a moment, until Sandy cocked her pistol. The distinctive click stilled his motion, and he could only grunt ineffectually against the pressure of her hand on his mouth.

“Don’t move!” Sandy hissed in his ear. “I won’t hurt you if you just keep still and....” Her voice trailed off.

In the tight confines of the space between the two guns there was very little room to maneuver, so Sandy and her captive stood pressed together, his back against her front. Something about the contours of that posterior was strangely familiar, and the realization made her relax her grip on his mouth just enough so that he could turn his head away from that confining hold.

“I knew it was you.” said a soft, cultured voice. “I’d recognize that perfume and those thirty-eight pound ‘cannons’ anywhere.”

“Kennedy?????????”

*****
Part Eight

In which Kennedy proves useful, Sandy shows some heart, and the girls get away clean.


An hour later Sandy stood up, pulling on her loose blouse as she did so. Her hair was disheveled, as if someone had been running their fingers through it. She managed to get her clothes arranged in proper order, but when she looked around she couldn’t find her sash.

“Bugger!” she said, tossing a pair of boots and a Royal Navy lieutenant’s jacket out of the way in her search. “D@mn! That was a gift last Christmas from Captain SeaSpot!”

“Were you looking for this?” Kennedy, wearing only his breeches, had the sash in his hands. He looped it over Sandy’s head and used it to pull her back close to him, burying his nose in the fragrant hair that brushed her neck.

“Archie....” Sandy said, somewhat breathlessly.

“Hmmmmm?”

“I have to go. My crew will be waiting for me.”

He sighed gently, his breath caressing her ear and sending pleasurable shivers down her back. He pressed one last kiss to her neck and stepped back.

“I suppose you must. It certainly wouldn’t do for a notorious piratess like yourself to be captured.” While he spoke he expertly tied the sash about Sandy’s waist. He had obviously done it many times before. He picked his own shirt off the deck before handing over the pistol.

The gunport alongside of them was partially open after the tussling on the deck, and enough moonlight came through to allow clear sight. Kennedy’s blue eyes glittered in the half light as he studied Sandy. She was like a spectre from a dream; from her gleaming boots to her hair pins she was a vision in black. Her face was still somewhat flushed and her green eyes were bright. He sighed again.

“I wish I could go with you.” he said, sounding almost wistful.

Sandy had thrust her pistol in the sash and was attempting to return her hair to order. It was a moment before Kennedy’s words penetrated. She looked up at him.

“What?? Are you mad?” Her eyes narrowed as she took a closer look at her companion. “Archie, what exactly is going on aboard this ship?”

Kennedy straightened his back and his expression became shuttered. He pulled on his shirt but left it unbuttoned, the loose fabric moving with each dip and rise of the ship, revealing and concealing an expanse of muscular torso.

“Nothing is going on. Why would you ask?”

“Because...” Sandy began before clamping her mouth shut. Not even to Kennedy would she reveal her true purpose in being aboard the Renown that night.

Kennedy grabbed her shoulders and stared intently into her eyes. “You know something.” he said, searching her expressive face. “What is it? What have you heard?” He released her shoulders and took a step back. “You’re not just here for fun. I can tell.” He snatched up his boots and jacket and brushed past her, moving toward the officer’s quarters. “Ordinarily I’d thank you for services rendered, but I don’t think I’m up to it tonight.” He gave Sandy one last scathing glance, the sapphire flames of his eyes scorching her before he melted away in the darkness.

Sandy leaned back against the bulkhead and closed her eyes against the threat of tears. Notorious pirate lasses don’t cry, she told herself.

“Oh, Archie.” she sighed. “I wish I could tell you the whole truth.” His out-of-character behavior had at least done one thing - it had confirmed all her suspicions about the ill feelings on board. She looked in the direction that Kennedy had disappeared. “I’ll get you out of this mess, I promise.”

She moved quickly aft, no longer taken such care to be silent. Time was running out. She and her four companions were due back on board the Wet Dream in less than an hour. Her step slowed as she passed the officer’s quarters; Kennedy’s voice sounded from within one of the cabins. She ran past as if the very devil was after her.

Two ladders, one companionway and she emerged onto the ship’s waist in the shadow of the quarterdeck. She halted for a moment to catch her breath, staring up at the bright stars. She glanced to her right; a white handkerchief with red roses embroidered on it was tied to a belaying rod. That was the signal that all of the girls were safely back and waiting for her in the jolly boat. She darted to the rail, swung herself over and slid down the rope as quickly as she could.

Papergrl and Jayne grabbed her legs and helped her into the boat before sitting at their oars. The began to pull away from the Renown. Kiddo and Jamie joined them, and Sandy took the tiller. They made good speed, putting a credible distance between themselves and the hulk of Renown before halting. Their expectant gazes all fell on their officer, and Sandy fought to appear perfectly normal.

“Well, ladies? Missions accomplished?” she asked.

“Aye, aye!” Papergrl replied, an almost foolish grin on her face.

“Yes ma’am.” Jayne said, a lascivious glint in her eyes.

Kiddo simply blushed.

“And yourself, Lieutenant?” Jamie asked, her smile evident in her voice.

“As well as can be expected.” Sandy responded, turning to face the Renown in the distance. “As well as can be expected.”

*********
Part Nine

In which the rumours all prove to be true, Kiddo proves her mettle, and SeaSpot bids adieu to her Chateau Petrus


“Well girls? What news?”

They sat around the captain’s table, ready to report on the evening’s adventure. They were tired, red-eyed, yet oddly triumphant.

All except Sandy. She sat at the table’s foot, silent and thoughtfully gazing out the stern window at the limitless sea. Captain SeaSpot noticed this odd behavior on her first officer’s part, and decided to ignore it for the time being. She’d get it out of Sandy eventually. She turned to Jayne.

“So how was Lieutenant Hornblower?”

“Wonderful.....” Jayne said with a wistful smile.

“I meant what did you find out from him!” SeaSpot barked. “I already knew the other!”

Jayne straightened up. “Of course. I lost my head for a moment.” She thought for a moment. “I think they are definitely plotting something against Captain Sawyer. Horatio never explicitly said so, but he did mention that the officers were frustrated and at their wit’s end. They don’t know what else to do. The ship’s surgeon.... What’s his name again?”

“Clive” said Sandy without turning from the window. Her voice was so unexpected that Kiddo jumped.

Jayne barely noticed. “Right. Clive is a spineless sot, unwilling to take a definite stand on whether Sawyer is fit to command. So the officers feel they have no choice but to take matters into their own hands.”

SeaSpot nodded, mulling over Jayne’s words. She looked to Jamie. “And did Lieutenant Bush confirm those suspicions as well?”

“Definitely.” Jamie agreed. “He’s not much for imagination, but he is definitely with the others. He’s stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place. It might have taken a lot to put him on this path, but he’s committed to it now.”

“And young Mister Wellard. What did he have to say?”

Kiddo blushed fiercely and didn’t say a word.

“Sara?” the captain asked, a cajoling tone in her voice. When she got no response right away she started to look worried. “What did you do to him?”

“I...” Kiddo swallowed hard and took a deep breath before continuing. “I kissed him!!”

SeaSpot sighed in relief. Kiddo was young, perhaps too young to be a part of this sort of mission. Samigirl had been more than willing to go, but Sandy had insisted on taking young Sara. She has a lot to learn, was the argument. May as well start now. The captain was extraordinarily relieved to know that Sandy’s confidence in the young lady was not misplaced.

Still, she had to conceal her smile at Kiddo’s discomfiture. “I’m sure it was a very nice kiss, Sara. But what did you find out?”

“Oh! I almost forgot! He told me everything!” She glanced at her senior piratesses with a small shrug of apology. “They are definitely planning a mutiny. In two night’s time. They didn’t want to involve any of the midshipmen, but Mr. Hornblower told Wellard all about the plan. And he told me!” She couldn’t keep the touch of pride out of her voice.

“Wow!” Papergrl exclaimed. “That must have been some kiss!”

“Two night’s time.” SeaSpot mused. She checked her watch; it was after 3 in the morning. “So not this coming night, but the next. So we have time to make our own plans.” She looked at Papergrl. “What about you, Papergrl? What did you discover amongst the crew?”

“About what you’d expect.” was the reply. “Captain Sawyer has been courting the crew as a sort of defense against the officers, and most of them have fallen for it. Amazing what an extra rum ration will do for an able seaman.”

“But not Styles?” Jayne asked.

“Nope. He and Matthews have been trying to keep things under control, keep the crew working, but they can’t fight the tide. The crew is behind the captain; it won’t matter what the officers do. The only way the crew won’t mutiny is if there’s some sort of accident and the captain is physically incapacitated.”

“Or if we bring him here.” Jayne said, summing up the question quite nicely.

Captain SeaSpot nodded and stood. “Very well done, ladies. Your efforts are appreciated, and will not go unnoticed.” She opened the door to the cabin. “Mags?” she called out.

“Yes, Your Piraticalness?” the Queue Mistress appeared, ever ready for her secondary duties as ship’s steward.

“Break out the last bottle of Chateau Petrus. Our returning heroines deserve it.”

The girls left the captain’s quarters with wide grins on their faces. When they were gone SeaSpot at last turned to her first mate.

“All right, out with it. What happened on board the Renown? And don’t tell me ‘Nothing’. I know you better than that.”

Sandy at last turned from her contemplation of the wide ocean and faced her captain. With a gasp she lay her head down on the table and burst into tears

*******
Part Ten

In which Sandy confesses her faults, Seaspot confronts her own weakness, and a final plan takes shape.


“Oh, for pity’s sake.” SeaSpot muttered. She walked around the table and sat beside her first officer. “Get a grip on yourself, woman! And don’t sob all over my table. Its rather difficult to get tear stains out of cherry wood.”

With a last sniff Sandy raised her head and looked at her captain. “I...” <gulp> “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s the matter with me. Except....”

Except?”

Sandy stood up and began pacing the cabin. “I failed on this mission, Captain. Miserably.”

“What?” SeaSpot asked, incredulous. “You heard the others’ reports. They gathered all the information we need. You job was to lead them and make sure they all came back safe, and you did that. So what’s the problem?”

“I was also supposed to spy on Captain Sawyer and gauge his mental condition for myself. And I didn’t do that. I got.... Distracted.”

“Distracted? By what?” SeaSpot met Sandy’s eyes. “Or should I be asking by who?”

Sandy smiled widely, remembering her “distraction”.

“Oh h3ll.” the captain said. “D@mnit Sandy! You know better! You were responsible for the success of this mission, and you let yourself be ‘distracted’ by a pair of dazzling blue eyes and a nice @ss??? What were you thinking?”

“The same thing you would have, under the circumstances.” And Sandy told her captain what had happened, how Kennedy had appeared so suddenly and she had been forced to take action to prevent him finding her. “I didn’t know it was Archie at the time. Not until I had a tight hold of him with my pistol to his head. And when I realized who it was I lost my concentration.”

SeaSpot snorted. “I’m sure you did. If I had that butt cradled in my hips I’d...” Her words ground to a halt and she shook her head vigorously. “Never mind what I would have done. Tell me this; were you able to extract any useful information from Lieutenant Crumpet... I mean, Kennedy?”

“Not really. He was edgy, and not acting like himself, that’s for sure.” Sandy stared off into space for a moment, remembering Kennedy’s harsh parting words. No, he had certainly NOT been himself. “But no, I didn’t specifically ask him any questions.” She smiled wryly. “Another failure on my part.”

"Well, I can understand now. Its not easy, sometimes, is it? Being a pirate and the scourge of the Royal Navy?”

“No, Your Piraticalness. It most certainly is not.”

SeaSpot glanced at her watch. It was nearly 4 am. She had to struggle with herself not to yawn. “OK, Sandy. Go get yourself some sleep. I want all regular and warrant officers in the wardroom tomorrow at 1030 hours. I’ll have orders ready then. And Sandy...?”

The first officer halted at the door. “Yes, Captain?”

“If those reprobates haven’t polished off the bottle, get yourself a glass of the Petrus. You look like you need it.”

Sandy smiled and sketched a quick salute.

Once the door was closed behind her first mate SeaSpot sat down to contemplate all she had heard. It was clear now that their best chance of stopping a mutiny and thereby saving the crew of the Renown was to bring Captain Sawyer on board the Wet Dream. But how? A small cutting-out party or a full scale boarding raid? And just what were they supposed to do with the man once they had him?

She had it in mind to turn him over to the tender ministrations of SallyB. But what if he really was insane? What if this was more than a relatively simple case of post-traumatic stress? Could she trust the man to behave as befitted a captive on board her ship? In short, could she trust him to put out or get out?

And there was that pesky problem of not having a personal cabin attendant. What to do to rectify that?

She thought about the entire thorny problem, turning it over and over in her mind until the sun shone rosy in the east and she had finally settled on a plan of action.

There was a quiet knock on the door. “Come!” she said, her voice hoarse from the sleepless night.

Mags came in then. “You need some sleep, Captain. You’d best get some too. I have a feeling its going to be a long day.”

*******
Part Eleven

The plan is revealed............

1030 hours - The wardroom aboard the Wet Dream**

The buzz of conversation in the room was almost deafening, and the heat was stifling. It was the largest room on board, but it was still bursting at the seams with everyone crowded into it. Lindsaygirl, Wannabe, M’man Jamie, TracyL, Ladylove, TheChick, Shell-Bell, Mags, SallyB, Gingerr, Papergrl, JayneG; they were all packed in the room, some seated around the table, others standing in corners. They all knew, in that instinctive way that long association breeds, that the decision had been made and they would soon know what they were to do. Excitement coloured their voices and their laughter, making the air all but quiver with the sound.

A strange quiet suddenly descended on the gathering and all faces turned to the door. Captain SeaSpot stood there, her first officer at her side. Lindsaygirl stood and offered the captain her now vacant chair. SeaSpot sat, and Sandy stood behind the chair, her hands clasped behind her back.

“We attack the Renown tonight, at sundown.” the captain said in the expectant hush that followed her entrance. Her words were greeted with wide grins on the faces of all the pirate lasses.

“There’ll be two boarding parties. One to confine and hold the Renown’s officers, the other to actually get Captain Sawyer off the ship. Sally?” she addressed a lovely piratess with silky brown hair.

“Yes, captain?”

“You’ll be in charge of actually subduing Sawyer, but Sandy will be in command of the team. I myself will command the other group.”

There were gasps of surprise from the assembled officers and Sandy herself looked shocked.

“But....” TracyL said. “Who’ll command the Wet Dream if both you and Sandy are gone?”

“Lindsaygirl will command, with Ladylove as acting first officer. We need virtually everyone else to make a success of this mission. I trust I can count on all of you?” she asked, her deep brown eyes touching on each of her crew in turn. They all nodded in response. She turned the floor over to her first officer, whom she had already briefed on the particulars.

“The success of this plan depends on split second timing. Obviously, they’ll know we’re coming. It’d be tough to avoid being seen. But we still have the White Ensign that we used on a mission nearly a year ago. Hopefully that’ll prevent the Renown from making the situation dicey by doing something foolish, like firing on us.” That won some laughs from the assembled group. “Thanks to Kiddo and the great job she did of <ahem> interrogating Midshipman Wellard, we know who’ll be going off, and who’ll be coming on, watch at that hour. We’ll arrive on the weather side of the ship, taking them by surprise. My team will go straight for the captain, while half of the captain’s group will hold the officer’s on the quarterdeck. The other half will go below and gather the rest of them in the midshipman’s berth.”

Captain SeaSpot continued the briefing. “As Sandy said, this entire operation needs to be precisely timed. We need to arrive just as the watch is ending. There’ll be people milling about, and since its the end of the day they won’t be as alert as if we attacked in the morning. We need to take advantage of both those facts.” She turned to the ship’s master. “Ladylove, can you get us there at just the right moment?”

Ladylove nodded. “We dropped back more over night, but we’re still within two miles. They can probably see us now, wondering who we are and what we’re up to.” She nodded again. “I’ll get us there, have no fear.”

“Right.” The captain stood. “Sandy, I’ll leave it to you to get out the assignments. And Tracy?”

“Yes?”

“Make sure we get a good lunch. We’ll need our strength.”

When Sandy had finished making the final arrangements and giving the other officers their specific assignments she sought out the captain. She caught up with her on the quarterdeck, where she was pacing the length of it, gauging the wind and studying the set of the sails.

“Captain...” she began.

“Don’t even say it, lieutenant. Commodore Pellew entrusted me with this mission. I have to see it through to the end.”

“Then keep me on board! We both know I don’t deserve the kind of faith you have in me after last night! We can’t both be gone. If something happened to us this ship and her crew would be lunchmeat! We can’t let that happen.”

SeaSpot sighed and turned to face the sun as it began its descent. “I know that, and I have no intention of letting anything happen to my ship or my crew. And yes, it is difficult to trust you after what happened. But I can’t think of anybody I’d rather have on my side right now. Does that make me foolishly sentimental? Perhaps, but you and I have been through a lot together in the last couple of years. If we’re going down, we go down together. Agreed?”

Sandy smiled and gave her captain a jaunty salute. “Agreed.”

“Very well then. You know your orders, lieutenant. I suggest you carry them out.”


******
Part Twelve

In which the attack commences, Wannabe gets down to details with Matthews, and Kennedy makes an unusual request.


“Almost there....” Captain SeaSpot said to herself as the Wet Dream moved ever closer to the Renown. She knew that then men on board the larger ship were wondering just what was going on, and she had to smile at their confusion. They wouldn’t fire on a ship carrying the White Ensign, and that fact had bought herself and her crew the time that they needed. She glanced to her right to see first lieutenant Sandy and her hand-picked team at the quarterdeck rail. She gave Sandy the thumbs-up signal just as the Dream bumped up against the Renown with a crash and grinding of oak. Ladylove had done her job well.

“GO!!!!!!!!”

With a cry of jubilation the crew of the Wet Dream took to the ropes and ladders and swarmed up the side of the Renown. They didn’t hesitate; they knew exactly what they were there to do. They took control of the waist of the ship, and brought lieutenant Smith, the officer of the watch, before their captain.

Captain SeaSpot drew her pistol and held it loosely at her side. She looked directly at Smith, who could not keep the fear from his eyes.

“We’re not here to harm you, or any member of this ship’s crew.” she said. “We’ll take what we came for and be out of you way. Sandy?” she called out.

“Captain?” came the response from the Renown’s quarterdeck, where Sandy and her team were holding Lieutenant Buckland, Gunner Hobbs and Master Carberry at bay.

“Proceed as ordered.”

Three pirates climbed the ladder to the quarterdeck and took over the prisoners. Sandy and her team went to the skylight visible aft and one at a time dropped through to land in Captain Sawyer’s day cabin.

“They’re after the Captain!!!” one of the crewmen shouted.

“DON’T MOVE!!!” shouted TheChick, her pistol leveled and her sword unsheathed.

“Listen to them!” came another voice from the rear of the throng. An oddly familiar voice. One man was pushing his way through the crowd, and he emerged face to face with Chick.

“I know these pirates.” Able Seaman Styles said. “Just do as they say, and no one will be hurt. In fact” he said aside to TheChick, “You might even enjoy yourself.”

“Let’s get these men neutralized!” Captain SeaSpot said. “You all know your assignments, so get to it!”

Chick went with Styles, turning at the last moment to look at her captain. “What about you, Your Piraticalness?”

“Don’t worry about me, Chick. I have a certain blue-eyed lieutenant to interrogate.

**The captain’s quarters**

Sandy had dropped through the skylight without a sound, quickly moving to make room for the rest of her team. One at a time the came down; Wannabe, JayneG, Samigirl, Gilly and lastly SallyB. With a gesture calling for silence Sandy went to the connecting door that lead to the captain’s sleeping area. She gently pressed the latch; it didn’t budge. She pressed harder and pushed the door with her shoulder. Nothing; it was locked tight.

With a nod she indicated for Jayne to take over. One well placed karate kick sprang the lock, splintering the door frame. Sandy shoved the door open and charged into the cabin.

And came right up against an old friend. Matthews stood facing the door she had just come through, waiting to confront the intruders. Captain Sawyer stood behind and to his left.

“Miss Sandy?” Matthews exclaimed. “What’s all this about, then?” he asked, eyeing the other women.

Sandy slowly raised her pistol till it pointed at Matthews’ chest. “Please, Matthews.” she said. “I don’t want to hurt you, but I have orders.” She indicated Sawyer with a tilt of her head. “The captain comes with us.” She glanced over her shoulder. “Wannabe, take care of Mr. Matthews, would you?”

“With pleasure.”

The pair left the captain’s cabin, and Sandy and the remainder of her team turned to Sawyer. He stood with his back to the wall, his eyes darting about, like a trapped animal looking for an escape. Sandy thrust her pistol back in her sash and took a step back.

“Sally, I believe its your game from this point.”

**The officer’s wardroom”

Lieutenant Kennedy stood quietly, gazing out the stern window. He had heard the rapid footsteps above him, the shouting, then steps going past the wardroom door, but in all the commotion he had not been discovered. He had come to the wardroom when his watch was over to be alone and think about what was happening in his life. He alone had known that the notorious pirate ship the Wet Dream was in the area, yet he had said nothing. Even when he had first spied her approaching, he had held his tongue. Why?

He shook his head. “Don’t be damned fool, Archie.” he said “You know perfectly well why you didn’t say anything.”

“You don’t say! And just why was that?” a voice spoke behind him.

Kennedy whirled around and confronted Captain SeaSpot, her brown eyes smoldering and her sword pointed at his groin. His heart leapt into his throat, but he remembered that it would never do to show fear to The Pirate Queen.

“Well,” he said, his voice calm. “I suppose this means I’m to be a captive of Her Piraticalness.” He held out his hands to show he was unarmed. “What are you waiting for?” he asked.

“Not so fast, blondie. I have a few questions to ask you first.” She sized him up with a quick glance, swallowing against the dryness in her mouth as she did so. The lad had certainly grown up since her last encounter with him. She looked up and met his piercing blue eyes. Cripes!, she thought to herself. No wonder Sandy’s lost it lately.

“I’ll answer any questions you might ask, Captain SeaSpot, in return for one thing.” he said.

SeaSpot shook herself out of her sapphire bullet-induced stupor. “And just what is that ‘one thing’?” she asked, careful to inject her voice with a sneer.

“That you take me with you.

******
Part Thirteen

In which our piratesses win the day, SeaSpot FINALLY gets a new cabin boy, and Sandy & Kennedy have a happy ending.


Back on the deck of the Renown Captain SeaSpot found her pirate lasses, missions accomplished, and the crew of the Renown putty in their hands. Truth be told, they hadn’t put up much of a fight, but still..... A pirate crew has to keep in tip top shape!

M’man Jamie approached her captain. “All well, ma’am?” she asked, her gaze inevitably drifting to the officer that stood at SeaSpot’s side.

“Eyes back where they belong, Jamie. He’s not your prize.” She glanced over Jamie’s shoulder. “Besides, I believe you already have more than enough to deal with.” she said with a nod toward Bush.

Jamie blushed and smiled. She waved Bush over and the lieutenant came near. He was a fine figure of a man, so SeaSpot gave him an inspection and filed him away under “Business to be dealt with later”.

“Is Sandy back on board the Dream?” she asked Jamie. When she got an affirmative she turned to Bush. “Mister Bush,” she addressed him. “Our work here is done. You know who we are and what we’re about, so I don’t think you’ll try to stop our escape.”

Bush shook his head. “No, Pirate Queen. You and your crew are safe from the men of the Renown.” He met Kennedy’s eyes. “Just as I fancy any of us would be safe with you.”

SeaSpot reached out and straightened one of Bush’s lapels. “Indeed, lieutenant. Indeed.” She turned away. “To the Dream, ladies!” she shouted, and with one last caress of Bush’s weather-beaten cheek she turned and swung herself back to her own ship. He crew followed while the men of the Renown waved farewell.

All except one. Hornblower stood, dumbfounded that his friend was actually leaving. “Why, Archie? What could possibly be an advantage in joining those women?”

Kennedy laughed. “Honestly, Horatio! If you don’t know, then it’d be a waste of breath explaining it to you.”

“Shift it, Kennedy!” Captain SeaSpot’s voice called. “Get that delectable butt in gear!”

“I have to go now.” He shook his friend’s hand. “You can just mark me ‘discharged, dead’ in the ship’s books and be done with it. I won’t be coming back. But who knows? We may meet again!” And he grasped the rope and slid down to land lightly on board the Wet Dream.

He looked around at the women, hoping to spot Sandy. She was nowhere to be seen, and he stifled a sigh of disappointment. He started to move away so he could sit to one side and wait for her, but Captain SeaSpot grabbed a hold of his collar.

“Forget it, heartbreaker. I’m not letting you out of my sight, or anywhere near my first officer, until I’ve had a chance to talk to you myself. But first things first.” She turned to Shell-Bell, who stood by ready to take the captain’s weapons. “Where is Captain Sawyer?” she asked.

“Below, Captain. With Sally.”

“Excellent! That’s one problem solved. If anyone needs me I’ll be in my quarters, taking care of some unfinished business with our friend, here.” She looked at Shell. “And kindly cram your tongue back in your mouth, Shell. This one” she said with a nod to Kennedy, “is a very special prize.”

Once in her quarters SeaSpot relaxed some. She let her hair down, literally, and sat in her favorite chair. She gestured to another, and Kennedy gingerly sat down.

“Relax, Kennedy. I know the reputation I have, but I haven’t brought you to my cabin for the sake of plundering you. I’ve brought you with me, so now its your turn to live up to the bargain. So...” she began, raising an eyebrow. “Just what the heck is up between you and my first lieutenant?”

Kennedy rested his elbows on the gleaming cherry wood table and propped his head in his hands. “God!” he breathed. “I’m such a fool. I should have trusted her. I knew that she was hiding something, but I shouldn’t have assumed the worst. And my parting words were so cruel!” He raised his head. “What if she can’t forgive me? I’ve just thrown away my entire life for her! Oh God!!!” And he dropped his head to the table.

“Sheesh! Not you too!” SeaSpot poked his shoulder, none too gently. “Don’t you even think about sobbing on my table, buddy. I had enough problems getting the stains out from Sandy’s crying jag.”

Kennedy looked up and a slight smile graced his features. “Her crying jag? You mean...?

SeaSpot sighed and ran a hand through her lustrous blonde mane. “Yes, Kennedy. For whatever reason it seems my first officer, the finest piratess afloat (after me, of course), has gone and gotten herself emotionally involved with a captive. Waste of a good pirate, if you ask me.” she mumbled, half to herself.

Kennedy grinned then, his smile lighting the room like a 200 watt bulb. He reached out, grabbed SeaSpot by the shoulders, and planted a kiss on her lips, before spinning away and all but dancing across the room.

“All right, already! I get the picture; you’re happy about this. So I’m willing to keep you on board, but if you hurt her again I’ll feed that @ss of yours to the sharks faster than you can say ‘Crumpet’, understood?”

“Understood, Your Piraticalness!” Kennedy replied, trying, but failing, to contain his grin.

There was a knock at the door. SeaSpot signaled Kennedy to be quiet and stand behind the door before she called out “Who is it?”

“Its Sandy, Captain. Reporting as requested.”

“Come!”

Sandy opened the door and came in with a quick salute. “Mission accomplished, Captain. Sawyer is safe on board, and seems to be responding well to Sally’s <ahem> treatments. All crew are present and accounted for. Our only injury appears to be a splinter that mysteriously embedded itself in Tracy’s hindquarters.” Sandy grinned. “I certainly hope that Mr. Hornblower was worth it.”

“Very good, Sandy. You’ve more than redeemed yourself for your ‘failure’ the other night.” SeaSpot smiled. “Thank you.”

“Captain.” Sandy said with a nod before she made to leave.

“Oh, Sandy! I almost forget. We have a new addition to our crew.”

Sandy looked puzzled. “A new crew member, ma’am? How?”

SeaSpot turned away and picked up some papers that lay on the table. “I trust you’ll be able to find quarters for our newest pirate?” she said, and was pleased to hear the creak of the door as it was gently pushed closed. Kennedy certainly knew how to follow a cue.

“Quarters? Of course.” Sandy couldn’t keep the confusion out of her voice. She turned to leave the cabin and stopped cold.

SeaSpot heard the gasp and then the unmistakable sound a couple passionately embracing. She waited until she heard Sandy laugh before daring to turn around again.

The pair of them stood arm in arm, identical grins on their faces. “Captain, how can I thank you? Not only for this” Sandy said as she brushed Kennedy’s hair from his face, “But for understanding what he means to me? I promise, you won’t regret this. I’ll never let you down again.”

“No need to thank me, Sandy.” Despite herself SeaSpot felt a smile twitch her lips when she saw how happy they were together. “Just find him a job, for pity’s sake! This is a working pirate ship, after all.”

“Well, we are still in need of a cabin boy.” she said with a glance at Kennedy.

“Only if the job is being the first officer’s cabin boy.” was his response.

“Oh hell!” SeaSpot said. “What kind of world are we living in when my first mate gets a cabin boy and I get diddley-squat?”

Another knock at the door and Kiddo poked her head around it. “Captain?” she said. “It seems we have a stowaway.” And she pushed the door fully open to reveal young Mister Wellard standing beside her.

Sandy disengaged herself from Kennedy’s embrace and stood beside her captain. “What were you just saying, Your Piraticalness?” she asked, laughter in her voice. “I don't know about you, but he doesn’t look like diddley-squat to me!”

*******
Epilogue

One year later......

Captain SeaSpot stood at the rail, watching as the Wet Dream carefully made her way to an anchorage in Charleston harbor. She was pleased to finally be back at home; to be able to walk on American soil again. She and her crew had been at sea for a virtually uninterrupted 18 months. A long time to be separated from home turf.

She smiled as she thought back on the changes that she, her crew and her ship had been through in the past year. It was, in a way, completely mind-boggling. She remembered being leery about accepting the mission to investigate the situation on board HMS Renown, and she had to laugh about it now. It was probably the best thing she had ever done.

Not long after the capture of Captain Sawyer they had caught up with the Indefatigable. There they had deposited a rested and recuperating Sawyer into the hands of Commodore Pellew, who had been so grateful at having that particular problem out of his neatly coifed hair that he had agreed to sign discharge papers for both Kennedy and Wellard. One less thorn in the side of a busy Pirate Queen, she said to herself, grinning at the memory.

The Wet Dream had spent a nearly idyllic week in the Indy’s company, prowling the West Indies in search of privateers and renewing acquaintances with the crew. And in the case of some pirate lasses, becoming much better acquainted. Pellew had taken the time to entertain his admirers, and Wannabe, Gilly, and Lindsaygirl had all walked around in a daze for nearly a month afterward.

Her two newest crewmembers had adjusted well to life on board. Wellard was the ideal cabin boy; not since Oldroyd’s tenure had her unmentionables been so well cared for. He was still shy, but was learning to come out of his shell, and he was obviously still quite smitten with Kiddo. She returned those feelings wholeheartedly.

Kennedy had been a bit of a tougher sell, but he had finally settled into a role with the crew. He worked with the lasses, teaching them fencing techniques and training them as gunners. The fighting skills of the entire crew had improved greatly. And he and Sandy were almost ridiculously happy being together. It was enough to make even the most hardened pirate smile.

Which was the reason she partly dreaded this arrival in Charleston. Nearly two years before she had commissioned a special project from one of the city’s finest boat builders, and now was the time to unveil it. She would regret the loss of two such outstanding crewmembers, but it was time for them to move off on their own. She mentally crossed her fingers that Mister Cooper had received her urgent dispatch.

“LET GO!!!!” came the cry from the quarterdeck, and the anchor plunged into the water. They were home.

Sandy appeared from the forecastle companionway and joined her captain at the rail. “Its been a long time, Captain.”

“Yes, it certainly has.” She gazed at the bustling wharf, spying a brand new sloop moored at one end. She smiled.

“I need you and Kennedy to accompany me on a special errand, Sandy. Be ready to leave in 10 minutes.”

“Aye aye, captain.”

Twenty minutes later they were pacing the boatyard of Cooper & Associates, the finest boat builders in Charleston. Sandy was mystified as to their purpose, Kennedy somewhat bemused, and SeaSpot was just plain angry. Cooper was delayed by another client, and was in danger of spoiling the moment. Finally a harried man of about sixty years of age came from the workshop.

“Captain SeaSpot, a pleasure, as always.” He shook her hand. “You’ll want to see her immediately, I’m sure.”

“That’s what I came for.” she responded, slightly impatient.

“Right this way, then.”

They made their way down the wharf; the mass of people was oppressive after the freedom of the sea. As they came closer to the sloop Sandy began to notice details. She was a beauty; sleek, streamlined, fast, with stout oak timbers and gleaming brass fittings. She was, in short, a replica of the Wet Dream. Sandy stopped short; Kennedy running into her from behind. They both looked up and saw the nameplate at the same moment.

“Butt End” it read. “Charleston USA”.

“Captain....” Sandy said, but couldn’t continue.

“I’m glad he got my message about changing the name.” SeaSpot said with a grin. “I thought this would be more appropriate, considering she belongs to the two of you.”

“To...... Us?” Kennedy asked, dumbfounded.

“Well, technically to Sandy.” SeaSpot stepped back and gave her former first officer a salute. “Congratulations, Captain. She’s all yours.”

Sandy shook her head, mutely admiring the ship. She turned to her captain, mouth gaping in surprise. “How can I ever thank you, Your Piraticalness? Its.... Its...... Its too much! I can’t accept this.

“You deserve it. Besides, I expect you to earn enough prize money in the next year to pay me back in full.” Her expression turned serious. “Don’t be so surprised, Sandy. I’ve had this in the works for about two years. So don’t let me down!”

Sandy grinned. “I won’t, I promise.” She looked at Kennedy. “I guess I’m about to become The Pirate Queen, Part 2. Care to be my first mate?” she asked.

“I thought I already was.”

****
Subject: Hmmmm ..... a Mutiny Brewing?
Posted by: SeaSpotRun
Posted on: 3/18/01 11:08 P.M. 

Better give all the ratings a double-ration of rum! (being as how we are low on Chateau Petrus--AACK!! Maybe it's time to raid France again).

Oh well done, Sandy. You have a fine feel for the dear old "Wet Dream". It sounds as though my lovely Piratesses with their impressive artillary are longing for action.

Is that a sail? Could that be the Renown on the horizon?

Ah...the Adventure Continues!

Well, back to my cabin. I haven't sacrificed my pride and my self-respect for at least, oh, an hour. Whew! That Froggy gent doesn't sleep!

Au revoire, mes amies!

****

Subject:  Woo Hoo! A promotion!
Posted by: ladylove
Posted on: 3/19/01 09:14 A.M.

'Twasn't long ago when I was merely a meager member o' the ship's crew, sportin' a feax eye patch an' tryin' to lure out the big poofy-lipped one with a bucket o' the Colonel's secret recipe. Now look at me...Ship's Master! I must say that this is the proudest moment o' me life, it is...and I hope I can live up to the part! I'll have a hard time fillin' Mr. Bowles' shoes, 'cause 'e were a good Master. An' also his shoes prob'ly wouldn't fit me 'cause I'm a wee bit smaller w' size 6 1/2 shoes. Aye. Thankee for ye confidence in me seamanship!

Master Ladylove ~~%~@

****

Subject:  Woo Hoo!
Posted by: Mags
Posted on: 3/20/01 3:24 PM

Loving this!

(and the Queue Mistress would like to humbly say that if any of the Indies or Renowns need a comb-out or anything, her services are certainly available.)

****

Subject: This is great! Keep it coming!
Posted by: ladylove
Posted on: 3/20/01 3:38 PM

The INDY is comin'!! The INDY is comin'!! And you know what THAT means, eh? ;^) I'll bet you do.

It means we're gonna kick their ARSES and show that clubhouse of overgrown cubscouts what a group of really ticked off women on a mission can do!! WOO HOO!!!

Whipping the Pirate flag around a bit,
ladylove ~~%~@

****

Subject: Gaack! Urk! Gluck! Gurg ...
Posted by: SeaSpotRun
Posted on: 3/20/01 7:44 PM

<ahem>

Excuse me. I had a Frog in my throat.

Right. Ok. Where were we?

Well, First Mate Sandyclaws, you have definitely got a willing crew of "volunteers" for this mission!

I say, "ALL HANDS TO MAKE SAIL!!!!!"

Carry on, Sandy! You are doing a marvelous job of chronicling our "Adventures"!

I'm just waiting for the big chickfight over one Lt. Kennedy!

Would it be ok if whenever I got rid of this pesky backache I wrote a little Captain's log to add?

As my other boyfriend, the Crocodile Hunter, says...

"GREAT STUFF!!!"

SSR

****

Subject:  AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!
Posted by: HMSWANNABE
Posted on: 3/20/01 10:39 PM

HE...touched....me................

<THUD>

****

Subject: Oh Come-Adore COME BACK!
Posted by: Lindsaygirl
Posted on: 3/21/01 00:19 AM

Boo-Hoo!!!!!! He forgot to touch ME! Sniffle, sniffle, pout, pout!

"Lindsaygirl, STOP whining and slobbering like a baby; you're a Pirate wench for God's sake! Get a hold of yourself woman, before......." snarled Lt. Sandy as she whopped Lindsaygirl upside her head.

"But I wanted HIM to get a hold of me!" wailed Lindsaygirl.

"LINDSAYGIRL, you are hereby confined to your cabin, until you can behave accordingly and with proper Piratess brassiness. Now get your sorry bottom below decks!" roared the authoritative voice of the ever-inspiring Captain SeaSpot.

"My bottom is sorry alright, unlike someone else I know around here," mumbled Lindsaygirl, as she shamefully crawled down the stairs.

"ONE more sound from YOU, and you'll be at the gratings!"

Karin (Geeze, how does a girl get some action around here? Guess you have to be a Captain, humph!!! "I heard that you sobbing wench!!!! To the gratings!")

****

Subject: Position Wanted
Posted by: Ghostwriter
Posted on: 3/21/01 09:42 AM

Hearty, green-eyed, lusty wench seeks entry-level position aboard privateer vessel. No aversions to kidnapping, plundering or pillaging. Speaks French. Will provide own sunscreen and drool bucket. References available upon request

****

Subject: They say Frog Legs taste just like chicken
Posted by HMSWANNABE
Posted on 3/22/01 01:24 AM

Bwahahahahaaaa!!! Bravo!! This is brilliant, SSR!!

Oldroyd's French hasn't improved, I see. (Shaddap-ay-voo???)

I wonder - does the Stone Cold Froggie Colonel have strength enough to swim all the way back to Calais?

ROFL, Joanie

****

Subject: The suspense
Posted by SeaSpotRun
Posted on 3/24/01 9:19 PM

is KILLING ME!!!

What will I do next?

Who will I do next?

What will you do next?

Will there be a mutiny on board the Wet Dream? Who is going to debrief Lt. Kennedy? Will Messmistress TracyL take Horatio down in the mess and feed him some home cookin'?

Will I get a new Cabin Boy? (kinda got my eye on Wellard, or maybe Helmsman Kurt).

AAAUUUGGHHHHHH!!!!! Write faster~!!!

SSR

****

Subject: I am soooo in love
Posted by SeaSpotRun
Posted on 3/24/01 10:53 PM

with my bad self in this one. You make me seem like...like..like...

Captain Picard on spanish fly!!!

That's high-concept.

OK, so you've succeeded in shifting the focus to the reconnaissance party. Good thing it is not a "cutting-out" party or I would fear for Lt. Kennedy's breeches.

Can hardly wait to meet Captain Sawyer! You think he's paranoid now......

SSR

****

Subject: Oh boy, just look at our Captain gush, would ya!
Posted by Lindsaygirl
Posted on 3/25/01 09:52 AM

Now you know when our most worthy and in-control Pirate Queen loses her composure and lets go such a string of gush, that the anticipation is building to an explosion! Okay my excited fellow Piratesses; lets make our plans! What delights have we in store for our favorite men, those dashing, gorgeous men of the British Navy? They're coming at us full speed, and we'd better be ready for them I say!

My lips are a twitching, and that ain't all!!!!!

****

Subject: Squealing in delight!!!!!!
Posted by Lindsaygirl
Posted on 3/25/01 10:07 AM

Oh Sandy, you ARE so good to us, you are! What a first lieutenant, what a Piratess, what a woman!!!!! You're the best for entertaining us like this while the moments tick away!

Hey twin, WANNABE..........what say you and I take the jolly boat for a ride and look for the Come-Adore??? I know, I know......we have a job to do first. Okay, okay, we'll wait til the time is right before making our move on the handsome and deserving-of-all-the-attention-we-can-lavish-upon-him Come-Adore!!!!!

hugs to all you Piratesses, Karin

****

Subject Can I lead Horatio
Posted by TracyL
Posted on 3/25/01 12:45 PM

to the kitchen and show him my jugs?!!!

Arrgh! I definitely need some help in that dang kitchen, you know, someone to help washes dem dishes whilst standing behind me at the sink ...... <thud>

Anxiously awaiting the next chapter!

****

Subject Now that's what I call "Trust"
Posted by HMSWANNABE
Posted on 3/25/01 4:26 PM

SC, your confidence in Papergrl's ability to overcome her *ahem* penchant for tripping, falling, and other noise-making, hurting-herself-actiivities, is a tribute to your judgment as an officer!! LOL! (Love ya, Kellie!!)

The suspense is killing me, PJ!!

Yours, Joanie

****

Subject You Jezebel!
Posted by TracyL
Posted on 3/25/01 7:55 PM

<<"Were you looking for this?” Kennedy, wearing only his breeches, had the sash in his hands. He looped it over Sandy’s head and used it to pull her back close to him, burying his nose in the fragrant hair that brushed her neck.>>

Would that be the Prell or Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific? Would like to get a bottle of that if he enjoys doing nose plows through chicks' lids!

Keep up the great writing SC!

****

Subject I am such a hussy!!!
Posted by Sandyclaws
Posted on 3/25/01 9:16 PM

Can I help it if I have great smelling hair? The secret is....

Suave shampoo, almost any variety. See? You don't have to pay the big bucks for great hair!

SC

****

Subject <snort>
Posted by TracyL
Posted on 3/25/01 9:34 PM

You mean, you told two friends and so on, and so on .....

Your secret is out my dear ...... you're not the only one that will have healthy hair for Archie to run his fingers through and sniff tests now.

<ahem> Archie ..... over here darling!

Tracy

****

Subject Relax, gals!!
Posted by Sandyclaws
Posted on 3/26/01 06:28 AM

There's no mystery, certainly not of the sort I am fond of using in my more serious fanfic stories. Just the tension on board from having an insane captain and plot....<umph.......ugh......grunt>

>>Sorry, ladies, but I had to shut Sandy up. You see, we don't want her giving the plot away just yet, since you all are so entertained by this story. I do hope you'll keep reading to find out what happens to me and my shipmates. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a Pirate lass to attend to.

Regards, Lt. A. Kennedy<<

****

Subject I am honoured to be in the boarding party!
Posted by JayneG.
Posted on 3/26/01 12:24 PM

My katana is at your service. I will move swiftly and silently in the night as a ghost. I will descend upon my prey skillfully as a falcon. I will hide in Zen-like stillness. I will leave no handsome sailor, er, unturned. Man, I loooove recon!

Jayne G.

****

Subject There, there Sandy...
Posted by SeaSpotRun
Posted on 3/27/01 3:20 PM

...knock back another good slug of Chateau Petrus (hey, it's only money) and tell Captain Sea Spot all about it. But big Piratesses don't cry....don't tell me you have gone and gotten all emotionally involved here.

Sure, sure, you could become Archie's woman and the next thing you know you'd be changing nappies back in Portsmouth while the rest of us gals sail the seven seas looting, pillaging, plundering, and breaking hearts.

But if that's what you really want.....<shakes head, sadly>

Now, it seems we need a plan to get Captain Sawyer off that ship so we can conduct a complete and thorough examination of his mental condition! And I wonder if Bush would make a good Cabin Boy for Captain Sea Spot? He seems like a quiet, dutiful sort. And he looks very nice in Ray-bans. Hmmmm.......

Well, I am glad to see Sara has made her first conquest. That Wellard is a cutie-patootie for sure.

SSR

****

Subject Oh SHAME! SHAME!
Posted by SeaSpotRun
Posted on 3/27/01 8:12 PM

>>>“Get a grip on yourself, woman! And don’t sob all over my table. Its rather difficult to get tear stains out of cherry wood.”

Blubbering all over my ready room.

Do you have any idea how long Oldroyd had to scoot around on his canvas-clad butt like a cockapoo with impacted anal glands to polish my cherry table to a sheen like that?

And me, without a suitable replacement (sigh). It's enough to make a Hard-working Piratess want to go lie on the beach somewhere in the Bahamas for a fortnight, drinking Bahama Mamas and daydreaming that there are half-naked French Royalists cavorting in the surf.

But, a Captain's work is never done. I can see I shall have to make a personal visit to the Renown and scope out the situation for myself. The dangers of another (ahem) "distraction" are too great in your current state of Crumpetlust.

Now...how to lure the Captain Sawyer aboard the Wet Dream...hmmmm.....

Or we could always go for the direct approach. Bonk him on the head, throw him down the stairs, cart him over here, and see what he's got to say fer himself when he comes to.

I suppose I shall just have to wait patiently like the rest of the readers.

Write fast, Sandy! We are their last, best hope. I fear that if we do not act fast, they will do something stupid like bonk him on the head, throw him down the stairs, and hope that if he lives, everyone thinks he's brain-damaged. As if that would work.

Wait a minute. That was my plan, dammit.

Right. Carry on.

SSR

****

Subject It's true....
Posted by Gingerr
Posted on 3/27/01 10:09 PM

.....what zey always say about Frenchmen, leopard-print thong or no.

God, doesn't it feel good to be a Francophile?

****

Subject Shell-Bell is right..
Posted by SeaSpotRun
Posted on 3/28/01 07:30 AM

...that IS the Pirate "Way".

Captain gets first dibs. Then the crew gets equal shares. This arrangement has always worked well for my ex-boyfriend, Blackbeard, and so I see no reason to change it.

There is plenty of booty to go around. Maybe not QUITE so much as when the Indefatigable was carrying both its usual sailors AND Major Edrington and his lobsters, but still enough to occupy us for a fortnight.

Now, quit squabbling or I will assign you all to Dreadnaught Foster detail. The Royal Navy has been on my case for months to give Captain Bantam Rooster an attitude adjustment. Don't tempt me.

<sigh> Mr. Matthews also needs some attention. I would like a volunteer to detail Mr. Matthews.

Captain Sea Spot

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Subject I'd do Matthews
Posted by HMSWANNABE
Posted on 3/28/01 10:22 AM

in a New-York-Minute!! He's a true gentleman, and a sweetheart to boot. So consider me a volunteer for Matthews-detail. (My fondness for Matthews & any/all other HH-men should be considered secondary to my worship of The Comely Come-Adore. It is not meant to express a change-of-heart on my part, by any means!)

Yours, Joanie

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Subject You Will Succeed
Posted by TracyL
Posted on 3/28/01 10:12 PM

eventually Sandy of making me either choke on my popcorn, blow soda out of my nose or both! The new chapter is too funny .... me, cooking up a good lunch for the crew .... anyone can shove a bag of fish sticks into the oven :P

More more more! This has been a great story!

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Subject The devil is in the details
Posted by Gilly
Posted on 3/28/01 10:22 PM

"I would like a volunteer to detail Mr. Matthews."

<Snicker!> Like detailing a car? Rubbing, buffing, and polishing with soft cloths, paying attention to every surface? <blush> Okay, sign me up, as long I get to slip a freebie coupon under the Come-Adore's door when we return to the Indy.

Looks like you've got several volunteers, so if the Matthews detailing assignment has been cast, I'd be willing to find me a queued dude or two to work on. No "touchless" car washings, though. I'm the hands on type. Anybody on Hobbs detail yet?

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Subject You can count on Ladylove and me Captain!!!!
Posted by Lindsaygirl
Posted on 3/28/01 10:30 PM

We will keep The Wet Dream safe from harm and be here when you return with the prisoner, to make a speedy getaway! Now come on Ladylove, we have to prepare.............for command! Ahhhh........my very first command! What the hell do I do now????????? <her hands trembling as she holds the compass!> This is my chance to prove my muster as a loyal Piratess!

ummm.......thank you Captain Sea Spot for showing faith in me.......after all that muttering I did about you having Pellew! It won't happen again CAPTAIN!

Karin, who's busy practicing that hands-clasped-behind-back stance!

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Subject I trust you, Lindsaygirl, matey
Posted by SeaSpotRun
Posted on 3/28/01 11:04 PM

Especially since we have LADYLOVE there to make sure you don't hightail it back for the bloody Indy and the Come-Adore! Yep, the possibility of seeing Able Seaman Styles again should keep Sailing Master Ladylove's spyglass trained in the right direction.

Ok, a few basic things to bear in mind while running my Pirate ship:

1) Don't worry about using the compass. Only a male Pirate is too stubborn to stop and ask directions.

2) Never fly the Jolly Rogering pennant unless you are prepared to Board and Take Action.

3) Don't eat oreos in Captain Sea Spot's hammock.

4) Remind the Messmistress to take the fish sticks OUT of the bag before putting them in the oven <sigh>. (I think I might just have to capture me a French chef and promote Tracy--I didn't know that you could even MAKE Lasagna with Fish Sticks, a jar of Prego, and a chunk of Velveeta)

5) The Chanterelle mushrooms that Oldroyd planted for me in that tray of bullock manure down in the bilge should be ready to pluck. At least, I think they are Chanterelles. Ditto the Mesclun Mix and Jamaican Blue Mountain Coffee Beans that DeVergesse was growing hydroponically in his water dish. Have the Messmistress detail anglophile to harvest them. We are expecting important guests.

i.e. NO FISH STICKS!! No Fish Stick Casserole. No Fish Stick Shish-ka-bob. No Fish Stick Fondue. No Fish Sticks a l'Orange. No Fish Stick and Squid Ink Fettucini Alfredo. No Fish Sticks in a Blanket. No Macaroni and Fish Sticks.

In short, NO fish sticks.

and most important...

6) There's NO crying in piracy! You'll see the Come-Adore again.

Right. Carry on. I'm off to see if I can't find me a new Cabin Boy and see whassup with my old pal, Captain "Mad Dog" Sawyer. Sounds to me like it's time for some compulsory R&R for the old poop.

I wonder if he likes fish sticks....?

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Subject Apologies
Posted by Sandyclaws
Posted on 3/29/01 9:58 PM

I know, I know! Y'all have been spoiled by having at least one part of this insanity posted per day. Well, pardon me for not fulfilling your expectations today! We had some pretty severe thunderstorms in the area tonight, so I stayed off the computer. I am taking advantage of a temporary lull in the boomers to post this message. I promise I'll be back soon with the continuing adventures of Captain SeaSpot and her crew of lusty lasses, in which the following questions will be answered.....

Can Captain Sawyer's insanity really be cured by a good roll in the hay?

Will Captain SeaSpot ever find a new cabin boy?

Does Kiddo really have a crush on Mr. Wellard?

Will Sandy find the solution to the problems of her conflicted heart?

Will PJ be locked away in the nearest mental asylum, never to see the light of day again, once her family gets a hold of this piece of prose?

Stay tuned!

:):):):):):)

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Subject I can answer the last one...
Posted by SeaSpotRun
Posted on 3/29/01 10:05 PM

>>>>Will PJ be locked away in the nearest mental asylum, never to see the light of day again, once her family gets a hold of this piece of prose?

The answer is "Yes".

Which means that although you are certainly entitled to the occasional day off, you must write as fast as possible so you can wrap this up before those nice men in the ice cream truck come to take you away and treat you for "schitzophreniform disorder". Of course, the nice thing about that is that you MIGHT be strapped down in the bed next to cute Steven Dukes and his surprisingly long tongue, but that is a story for another time....

<sorry all you non Sam-ites. Inside joke>

SSR

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Subject Captain Sea Spot
Posted by SeaSpotRun
Posted on 3/31/01 7:34 PM

is nothing if not reasonable.

<<<<Not so fast, blondie. I have a few questions to ask you first.” She sized him up with a quick glance, swallowing against the dryness in her mouth as she did so. The lad had certainly grown up since her last encounter with him. She looked up and met his piercing blue eyes. Cripes!, she thought to herself. No wonder Sandy’s lost it lately.

“I’ll answer any questions you might ask, Captain SeaSpot, in return for one thing.” he said.

SeaSpot shook herself out of her sapphire bullet-induced stupor. “And just what is that ‘one thing’?” she asked, careful to inject her voice with a sneer.

“That you take me with you.” 

Well, Kennedy, if you insist.

That bad on board the Renown, is it?

Sounds to me like you need a little bit of Tough Love, just like Mother Used to Make.

<sigh> I suppose I shall have to take you back to the Wet Dream and let you change into a comfortable pair of faded rugby shorts and a soft cotton T-shirt, and then I shall interrogate you at pistol-point until you tell all.

It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it.

The Price of Command, a Life of Booty, and all that Naval rot.

Come along, you sandy-haired heartbreaker, you, and answer for your crimes and indiscretions. There is the matter of my first officer to consider......it seems you have enjoyed your periods of agreeable captivity in a way that I can no longer put down simply to "Stockholm Syndrome".

Now, kindly shift it, Lt. Kennedy, or I will be forced to goose you again.

Captain Sea Spot

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Subject Acknowledgements
Posted by Sandyclaws
Posted on 3/31/01 11:11 PM

First and foremost, I need to say Thanks to A&E for 1) Giving us these films, and 2) Providing a forum for the worst of my insanity.

And a big thank you to my buddy, my pal, my Sister in Sam, Captain SeaSpot herself. Without her original idea of a ship of lusty Pirate lasses none of this would have occurred to me. Which, perhaps, would have been a good thing....

A giant group hug to the entire gang on this board. I couldn't include everybody in the adventure, because there is only so much space and even I can't remember everybody. But trust me, you're all represented in this story.

And lastly, I guess I should apologize for making this a thinly veiled Mary Sue Fan Fiction fantasy of me and Mister Kennedy. Those of you that have perused my more serious fanfic know that this sort of thing is out of character. But the temptation was too great, and frankly I didn't put up much of a fight! :)

Somebody else can take the adventure from here. I'm worn out.

Besides, I have a certain blond haired, sapphire bullet-ed, derriere extraordinaire lieutenat to take care of! :)

SC

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Subject Better than anything...
Posted by SeaSpotRun
Posted on 3/31/01 11:23 PM

Forester could have come up with!

Other than a SLIGHT authorial overindulgence in Crumpetlust, of course. But that is to be expected. You really captured my essence. I loved reading about all our adventures.

Indeed, a much better solution to the problem of Captain Sawyer's paranoia is to have him taken on board the Wet Dream and subjected to the concerted attentions of Nurse Ratchet, I mean, SallyB. Then darling Wellard doesn't have to die and Archie doesn't have to be subjected to...well, whatever the heck all that fuss about Spoilers on the Meridian site was about.

And if Sawyer does NOT respond to treatment, we shall simply kick him down the stairs, bonk him on the head, and the cart him back to Gibralter and check him in to the Bettina-Ford Dalrymple Clinic where he will be forced to stare for hours at murky photoscans of Sam West in the orange shirt, purple jacket, and turquoise tie. If that doesn't send him over the edge for good, then we will sock him with a photo of Ioan in the yellow pants. And if that doesn't work, we will force him to stare for endless hours at a picture of Jennifer Lopez in the dress she wore to the Academy Awards. But definitely, as a source of problems for our lads, Sawyer is now a spent force.

Bush, eh?

Indeed. If he is anything like the Forester version, he could stand to be plundered a few dozen times.

I wonder if he likes fish sticks?

<sigh> I think maybe Captain Sea Spot needs a tropical vacation. Maybe two wild days and two wild nights in Jamaica with Lt. Bush. Sometimes the quiet types will surprise you. Perhaps he has hidden depths, banked fires burn the hottest, and all that sort of stuff.

Thank you, thank you, Sandy for keeping us all so well-entertained while we wait for the new series to begin!

SSR

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Subject Let's hear it for Sandyclaws everyone!!!
Posted by Lindsaygirl
Posted on 4/1/01 3:22 PM

For she's a jolly good Piratess, for she's a jolly good Piratess, for she's a jolly gooooooood Piratess, and she got her man!!!!!!

BRAVO! Great job PJ!!! Take a bow, receive your flowers and standing ovation, grab your man by the tush and kiss him, and write a sequel sooon!!!!!!! I would like to know how things go on the Wet Dream with the new men on board. Will they be able to live with us wenches.......or will they succumb to fatigue? Will Captain Sea Spot acquire Bush as her cabin boy? Will Horatio pay us a visit? And will Lindsaygirl EVER be touched by the Come-Adore??????? I'd just love to play with his sword!

hugs to PJ, Karin

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Subject Missed It!
Posted by TracyL
Posted on 4/5/01 9:24 PM

<<Our only injury appears to be a splinter that mysteriously embedded itself in Tracy’s hindquarters.” Sandy grinned. “I certainly hope that Mr. Hornblower was worth it.”>>

How did I miss this passage before?! I would have for sure made the comment that I was grateful that they installed shag carpet on the deck after this incident! I hate getting them tweezers out and plucking away! However, don't know what is worse -- splinters or rug burns ...... ah, a woman's work is never done!

Sandy -- you are da master! <bowing>

Tracy

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Subject HEY! Hands off!
Posted by Sandyclaws
Posted on 4/7/01 07:52 AM

>...not to mention pattin Archie on the booty!<

If there is any patting of that booty to be done, it will be done by me. ME, do ya hear! I said it and I mean it! What kind of woman are you, eh???

Never forget that I am still you commanding officer! Next time I might not be so generous as to leave you with Able Seaman Styles. I have one word for you, Papergrl......

Tapling

'Nuff said.

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